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jimf
Master Smack Fu Yak Hacker
2875 Posts |
Posted - 2007-08-23 : 07:18:29
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| Maybe we can start a CheeseShop threadJimThe Cheese Shop by Monty Python (a customer walks in the door) Customer: Good Morning.Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.Owner: Peckish, sir?Customer: Esuriant.Owner: Eh?Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!Owner: Ah, hungry!Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!Owner: Come again?Customer: I want to buy some cheese.Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!Owner: Sorry?Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?Owner: Sorry, sir.Customer: Red Windsor?Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.Customer: Ah. Stilton?Owner: Sorry.Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?Owner: No.Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.Owner: No.Customer: Lipta?Owner: No.Customer: Lancashire?Owner: No.Customer: White Stilton?Owner: No.Customer: Danish Brew?Owner: No.Customer: Double Goucester?Owner: (pause) No.Customer: Cheshire?Owner: No.Customer: Dorset Bluveny?Owner: No.Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?Owner: No.Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...Customer: Oh, I like it runny.Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)Customer: What now?Owner: The cat's eaten it.Customer: (pause) Has he.Owner: She, sir. Customer: (pause) Gouda?Owner: No.Customer: Edam?Owner: No.Customer: Case Ness?Owner: No.Customer: Smoked Austrian?Owner: No.Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?Owner: No, sir.Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.Owner: Fair enough.Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.Owner: Yes?Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.Customer: (pause) Greek Feta?Owner: Uh, not as such.Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?Owner: No.Customer: Parmesan,Owner: No.Customer: Mozarella,Owner: No.Customer: Paper Cramer,Owner: No.Customer: Danish Bimbo,Owner: No.Customer: Czech sheep's milk,Owner: No.Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Cheddar?Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!Owner: Not 'round here, sir.Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?Owner: 'Illchester, sir.Customer: IS it.Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.Customer: Is it.Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?Owner: Right, sir.Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?Owner: Finest in the district!Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.Customer: Would it be worth it?Owner: Could be....Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!Owner: Told you sir....Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?Owner: No.Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:Owner: Yessir?Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.Owner: Yes, sir.Customer: Really?(pause)Owner: No. Not really, sir.Customer: You haven't.Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.Owner: Right-Oh, sir.(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life. |
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