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The Yak Corral

Who wants to be a Database Comedian?

Author

Topic

Michael Valentine Jones
Yak DBA Kernel (pronounced Colonel)

7020 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-06 : 11:27:12

Here is the challenge:
Post something humorous on this thread in any form, but it must have some reference to at least one of the following: DBAs, database developers, designers, or users, databases, some type of RDMS, relational database theory, famous database people, SQLTeam and its posters, other SQL Server web sites, or SQL Server. It would be nice if it was funny. Post as many as you like.

Feel free to steal from other people and make it your own. Good minds borrow, great minds steal.

The judges (anyone who cares to) will rate posts on a scale of 0 (painfully unfunny) through 10 (the funniest thing you have ever heard) and post their opinion on the thread. Humor is encouraged in the ratings.

So come on, this is your chance to show that you could have been big in Vegas! Or at least worthy of a hospitality suite invite at the next PASS.

CODO ERGO SUM

spirit1
Cybernetic Yak Master

11752 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-06 : 11:31:43

this is an oldie but i always liked it:

It is March 1st and the first day of DBMS school
The teacher starts off with a role call..

Teacher: Oracle?
"Present sir"
Teacher: DB2?
"Present sir"
Teacher: SQL Server?
"Present sir"
Teacher: MySQL?
[Silence]
Teacher: MySQL?
[Silence]
Teacher: Where the hell is MySQL
[In rushes MySQL, unshaved, hair a mess]
Teacher: Where have you been MySQL
"Sorry sir I thought it was February 31st"

_______________________________________________
Causing trouble since 1980
Blog: http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/mladenp
Speed up SSMS development: www.ssmstoolspack.com <- version 1.0 out!

DavidChel
Constraint Violating Yak Guru

474 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-06 : 11:35:59

Experts Only Please

funketekun FTW!

Michael Valentine Jones
Yak DBA Kernel (pronounced Colonel)

7020 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-06 : 11:59:24

quote:
Originally posted by DavidChel

Experts Only Please

funketekun FTW!

I give this a 2 of 10 for failure to write in chat-speak.

CODO ERGO SUM

Michael Valentine Jones
Yak DBA Kernel (pronounced Colonel)

7020 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-06 : 13:15:35

Question: What’s the difference between Fabian Pascal and God?

Answer: God doesn’t think he’s Fabian Pascal.

CODO ERGO SUM

DavidChel
Constraint Violating Yak Guru

474 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-06 : 14:34:45

quote:
Originally posted by Michael Valentine Jones

quote:
Originally posted by DavidChel

Experts Only Please

funketekun FTW!

I give this a 2 of 10 for failure to write in chat-speak.

CODO ERGO SUM

n00b

harsh_athalye
Master Smack Fu Yak Hacker

5581 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-09 : 06:07:09

Top 10 Signs you are a DBA:

10. Your closet is ordered by size, then colour, then style
9. Your first reaction to your kids credit card/phone bill is to ROLLBACK
8. You spend your lunch break inventing new DBCC commands
e.g. DBCC LOSE_DATA(‘annoying_user’) WITH NORECOVERY
7. Your partner asks you to figure out which kids want chocolate ice cream at the birthday party and you instantly start coding the query in SQL.
6. You make a backup-copy of your ring binder, store it in the "offsite" shed and restore it twice a year to make sure it works
5. You remove the cursor from your computer and use the keyboard because “cursors are the devils seed”
4. When your partner asks you to tidy up you run a DBCC
3. Your grocery list is normalized.
2. The high point of your day is killing an offending user process
1. You debate adding an index or deleting a user for performance improvement.

Harsh Athalye
India.
"The IMPOSSIBLE is often UNTRIED"

Michael Valentine Jones
Yak DBA Kernel (pronounced Colonel)

7020 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-09 : 16:36:34

quote:
Originally posted by harsh_athalye

Top 10 Signs you are a DBA:

10. Your closet is ordered by size, then colour, then style
9. Your first reaction to your kids credit card/phone bill is to ROLLBACK
8. You spend your lunch break inventing new DBCC commands
e.g. DBCC LOSE_DATA(‘annoying_user’) WITH NORECOVERY
7. Your partner asks you to figure out which kids want chocolate ice cream at the birthday party and you instantly start coding the query in SQL.
6. You make a backup-copy of your ring binder, store it in the "offsite" shed and restore it twice a year to make sure it works
5. You remove the cursor from your computer and use the keyboard because “cursors are the devils seed”
4. When your partner asks you to tidy up you run a DBCC
3. Your grocery list is normalized.
2. The high point of your day is killing an offending user process
1. You debate adding an index or deleting a user for performance improvement.

Harsh Athalye
India.
"The IMPOSSIBLE is often UNTRIED"

11. You’re taking your next vacation in Antarctica because it’s out of cell phone and pager range.

CODO ERGO SUM

LTack
Posting Yak Master

193 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-12 : 08:36:09

quote:
Originally posted by Michael Valentine Jones

quote:
Originally posted by harsh_athalye

Top 10 Signs you are a DBA:

10. Your closet is ordered by size, then colour, then style
9. Your first reaction to your kids credit card/phone bill is to ROLLBACK
8. You spend your lunch break inventing new DBCC commands
e.g. DBCC LOSE_DATA(‘annoying_user’) WITH NORECOVERY
7. Your partner asks you to figure out which kids want chocolate ice cream at the birthday party and you instantly start coding the query in SQL.
6. You make a backup-copy of your ring binder, store it in the "offsite" shed and restore it twice a year to make sure it works
5. You remove the cursor from your computer and use the keyboard because “cursors are the devils seed”
4. When your partner asks you to tidy up you run a DBCC
3. Your grocery list is normalized.
2. The high point of your day is killing an offending user process
1. You debate adding an index or deleting a user for performance improvement.

Harsh Athalye
India.
"The IMPOSSIBLE is often UNTRIED"

11. You’re taking your next vacation in Antarctica because it’s out of cell phone and pager range.

CODO ERGO SUM

ooo, MVJ rated your joke an 11! How incredibly generous of you, MVJ ;)

(Seriously, I at first thought that was what you meant. Blonde moment!)

__________
SQL Newbie

jsmith8858
Dr. Cross Join

7423 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-12 : 08:53:46

quote:
Originally posted by harsh_athalye

Top 10 Signs you are a DBA:

10. Your closet is ordered by size, then colour, then style
9. Your first reaction to your kids credit card/phone bill is to ROLLBACK
8. You spend your lunch break inventing new DBCC commands
e.g. DBCC LOSE_DATA(‘annoying_user’) WITH NORECOVERY
7. Your partner asks you to figure out which kids want chocolate ice cream at the birthday party and you instantly start coding the query in SQL.
6. You make a backup-copy of your ring binder, store it in the "offsite" shed and restore it twice a year to make sure it works
5. You remove the cursor from your computer and use the keyboard because “cursors are the devils seed”
4. When your partner asks you to tidy up you run a DBCC
3. Your grocery list is normalized.
2. The high point of your day is killing an offending user process
1. You debate adding an index or deleting a user for performance improvement.

Harsh Athalye
India.
"The IMPOSSIBLE is often UNTRIED"

That's pretty good! Did you make that up, or is it from somewhere else?

- Jeff
http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/JeffS

SwePeso
Patron Saint of Lost Yaks

30421 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-12 : 09:18:55

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=%22Top+10+Signs+you+are+a+DBA%22

E 12°55'05.25"
N 56°04'39.16"

Michael Valentine Jones
Yak DBA Kernel (pronounced Colonel)

7020 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-12 : 10:53:12

Stolen top 10 list. Good job!

There were some other good ones there:
You understand the need to answer a question with another question.
You know the developers mean well.
You think SQLCLR is a 4 letter word.
Scott Adams is writing your autobiography.
Your sock and underwear drawer is in 5th Normal Form.
A euphamism with your wife is to ask her to enable the Distributed Transaction Coordinator.
When co-workers ask, "How was your weekend?" you reply with "Did you check the log?".
Your auto mechanic suggested a Maintenance Plan, but you declined because those are for sissies.
Your fill factor after dinner is 100% and you can read only

CODO ERGO SUM

Michael Valentine Jones
Yak DBA Kernel (pronounced Colonel)

7020 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-12 : 10:57:59

More stuff from a SQLTeam blog.

A few DBA Jokes - Lame factor high
http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/davidm/archive/2004/05/27/1407.aspx

CODO ERGO SUM

harsh_athalye
Master Smack Fu Yak Hacker

5581 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-13 : 10:02:58

I liked this one too:

http://sqlblogcasts.com/blogs/acalvett/archive/2008/05/21/ms-sql-server-book-of-wisdom.aspx

and this one: http://weblogs.sqlteam.com/jeffs/archive/2005/05/24/5248.aspx

Both from Jeff's blog!

Harsh Athalye
India.
"The IMPOSSIBLE is often UNTRIED"

Michael Valentine Jones
Yak DBA Kernel (pronounced Colonel)

7020 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-13 : 11:12:04

This is really more of a lawyer joke:

A DBA and a lawyer were setting at a bar, talking. The DBA began talking about his work and tried to explain the concept of "Referential Integrity". The lawyer interrupted and asked, "What's Integrity?"

CODO ERGO SUM

ayamas
Aged Yak Warrior

552 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-16 : 06:06:43

Funny marraige Stored Procedure.

CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire' AND Count(Car) > 20 AND HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,MS,Degree ,Phd ,MBA) AND Having Brothers= Null AND Sisters =Null

SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalance FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO

Then the wife writes the below query:

DROP

HUSBAND;
Commit;

Find the errors if possible...........

SwePeso
Patron Saint of Lost Yaks

30421 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-16 : 06:12:27

Wife should have datareader rigth only?

E 12°55'05.25"
N 56°04'39.16"

ayamas
Aged Yak Warrior

552 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-16 : 06:44:08

Oops sorry I should had mentioned girl instead of wife because the marraige still has not taken place.This part

Then the wife writes the below query:
DROP

HUSBAND;
Commit;

should be rewritten like this

The girl comes to know about the above stored procedure she then writes

DROP HIM;
Commit;

SwePeso
Patron Saint of Lost Yaks

30421 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-24 : 10:26:31

I think Avipenina want the throne with this query
http://www.sqlteam.com/forums/topic.asp?TOPIC_ID=105438

quote:
Why is my query slow?

E 12°55'05.25"
N 56°04'39.16"

jezemine
Master Smack Fu Yak Hacker

2886 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-24 : 11:41:28

not mine, but it's good:

http://xkcd.com/327

Stoad_
Yak Posting Veteran

87 Posts

Posted - 2008-06-24 : 16:48:59

A scandal at olimpic games : doping control proved a jumper winner turned out to be a kangaroo in men clothes
Damian?

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